


Drunk in Love

by space_rogue



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Marvel, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: BAMF Peter Parker, BAMF Wade Wilson, But only a tiny bit, Drunken Shenanigans, Fluff and Humor, Humor, Love Confessions, M/M, Possessive Behavior, Schmoop, Secret Identity, Wade Wilson has Self-Esteem Issues, both of these guys are such NERDS, wade wilson is a good boyfriend, wade wilson is trying his best
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-25
Updated: 2019-03-25
Packaged: 2019-12-07 03:20:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18229217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/space_rogue/pseuds/space_rogue
Summary: Peter Parker, it turns out, is a little bit stupid and adorable and hilarious when he's drunk....and maybe a little bit of a badass, too.





	Drunk in Love

**Author's Note:**

> I'm terrible at titles, sorry Bey

Wade didn’t make a habit out of answering phone calls from random people (or anyone, really) but sometimes he got a feeling [one might call it a… spidey sense] that he should really pick up a call.

 

He was getting that feeling now.

 

“Go for Wilson, comma Wade – round the corner fudge is made!”

 

“What?!”

 

Wade frowned. That voice sounded squeaky and nerdy and vaguely familiar. Wade leaned forward on his and Peter’s couch, pausing his _All in the Family_ marathon and setting his bowl of popcorn on the coffee table.

 

“I said—”

 

“Yeah I heard you, and it was weird, dude. Is that how you always answer your phone?”

 

Snorting derisively, Wade fought the urge to explain his funny little rhyme. “Listen up, jabronie. The only reason I haven’t ended this super fun conversation is because either a) my want ad in the Sunday paper about starting a Bea Arthur fan club has finally got a taker b) you wanna pay me money to cause some murder and mayhem (in that order), or c) I know you and you’ve got something really important to tell me. Which one is it, bub?” Wade smirked to himself. Logan would be pissed if he heard Wade use his famous nickname thing [secretly he hoped it was Logan on the other end of the call… but Old Man Scratchy’s voice was different].

 

“Uh, option c.”

 

“Cool. Who is this?”

 

“It’s Ned. Ned Leeds? Peter’s friend.” Oh yeah, Wade knew he sounded nerdy and squeaky. Wade grunted his acknowledgement, and Ned continued. “Peter and I are at a bar in Queens and… things are a little out of hand—”

 

“Out of--?!” Wade shrieked [okay hold up, it was more of a yell, thank you very much].

 

“WAAAAAAAAAAAADE!” A loud, happy voice suddenly burst through the other end of the phone. This voice also sounded a tiny bit squeaky and definitely nerdy, but Wade would know that voice anywhere. It was his Petey Pie.

 

“Uh… Pete? You okay?”

 

“Oh my god, Wade, I am _so_ okay. Like, very much okay. The best-est okay. Because you know what – you know why? Go ahead and guess why.”

 

“Pete, are you… _drunk_?”

 

Wade had to wait a bit as Peter cackled hysterically on the other end of the line before answering. “Babe. Darling. POOKUMS. I am _so fucking drunk_.”

 

Stifling his laughter, Wade tried to keep himself focused. “Yeah, I can tell, baby boy. Why is Ned calling me about it?”

 

“NED!” Peter shouted suddenly. Wade held the phone away from his ear and winced. “I TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL HIM!”

 

Wade heard a scuffle, the distinct sound of Peter whining “heyyyyyy,” and what he assumed was Ned swearing under his breath. Then Ned’s voice was the one in his ear again. “Wade, are you there?”

 

“Yep.”

 

“Great. Peter won’t listen to me – he’s been…” Ned’s voice dropped to a low whisper. “trying to use his powers. And I can’t get him to stop. Can you come take him home?”

 

Wade jumped [dashed heroically] into serious mode. This was a problem. If Pete accidentally revealed himself as Spider-Man to a whole bar in Queens, who knew what might happen? He could be targeted at work, or Aunt May might get hurt, or… Wade shuddered. _Or Peter would have to stop wearing those deliciously clingy spandex_.

 

{Priorities, Wade. Sort ‘em out.}

 

“Alright, Ned. I’m on my way. What’s the name of the place? Just… keep Peter away from people. As his boyfriend, I hereby give you permission to lure him into a dark corner and start making out with him if necessary. Don’t touch his butt, though. That’s _my_ Spidey-butt.”

 

“Wade, I’m not—whatever, just get here as soon as you can. We’re at Barracuda.”

 

“On it like Sonic!”

 

* * *

 

Due to a questionable combination of traffic violations, verbal threats, a few carefully placed stolen traffic cones, and illicit use of the NYPD communication system, Wade made it to Barracuda in record time. Literally, he thought he might have set a record. When he arrived at the bar he grunted a few choice curses – it was 3:37am and the place was _packed_. Leave it to the gays to party like it’s 1999 like… every night.

 

Wade hopped out of the taxi and pulled his hood over his head. He was as incognito as he was willing to get, with his full costume (including his katanas, five handguns, seven knives, and a _very_ well-placed taser wire) barely concealed by a hoodie and a pair of sweatpants. He wasn’t exactly _planning_ to kill every single person in that bar if it came down to it, but he wanted to be prepared. Just in case.

 

[What if every gay supervillain in NYC is in that bar and they’ve been waiting to get Peter drunk enough to reveal his secret identity?!]

 

{How many gay supervillains do you think there are in NYC?}

 

[YOU NEVER KNOW]

 

“Yep, gotta be prepared just in case. That’s my motto.”

 

{No it’s not.}

 

“Shh. Petey’s counting on us.”

 

The bouncer gave Wade a quizzical look as he approached, though Wade wasn’t sure if that was because he was talking to himself or because he clearly had an arsenal strapped to his body. Whatever the reason, the bouncer shrugged and went back to doing a crossword puzzle when Wade balanced a $100 bill on the tip of the guy’s hat and walked inside without a word.

 

The bar was predictably noisy and flashy and full of all kinds of weird smells. “Shoulda sprung for the mask with the built-in air filter,” Wade muttered to himself, wrinkling his nose as he was attacked by the scent of alcohol and body odor and too much cologne. “if only I had a boyfriend who works for Tony freakin’ Stark.”

 

Wade slowly began sidling his way through throngs of people, wondering how the hell he was gonna find Peter in all this mess. Lights flashed, music blared, drinks spilled, stools scraped, people shouted and shoved and shimmied around him. Wade fought the urge to cover his ears and instead made a beeline for the bar. Before he had the chance to flag down the bartender, a collective “whoaaaa!” pummeled through the cacophony of noise behind him. Wade turned around and fought to keep his jaw from dropping.

 

Peter was standing in the middle of a wide ring of people [seriously?? Did he really have to make it as clichéd as possible?] near the dance floor, but he wasn’t busting a move – nope, instead Peter was lifting a couple of very giggly bears over his head, one in each hand like they were a pair of oranges instead of _very fat and hairy men_. Peter lifted the guys even higher, his mouth frozen mid-laugh, apparently not straining himself in the slightest. The crowd around him was obviously amazed, and Peter was obviously eating it up. Wade couldn’t hear what Peter said, but he saw his boyfriend’s mouth move and the crowd cheered. Peter beckoned for another couple of guys to approach him, but Wade wasn’t about to let things get far enough for an even more ridiculous display of super strength.

 

Wade was going to do some _very_ unkind things to Ned when he got ahold of that little nerd. He had _one_ _job_ , dammit.

 

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YA DOING?!” Wade screamed through the din as he approached the edge of the drunken, amazed circle of a crowd. He unceremoniously shoved two people aside, ignoring their whines about drinks spilled and grooves thrown off, so he had a clear view of Peter. Peter, to his credit, dropped the two men and immediately flung himself into Wade’s arms. That was unexpected.

 

“Waaaaaaaade! I knew you’d come!” Peter slurred against Wade’s neck as he wrapped every one of his limbs around Wade’s body. (Please let the reader note that Wade refrained from making a bad Doc Ock pun). “I’m so – hic – I’m so happy you’re here! Ned went looking for you, I think. And here you are! Magic!”

 

Wade tried to sound stern. He really tried. But damn Petey was cute and snuggly and silly and it was _hard_ to be stern in the face of all that adorableness, okay? “What are you _doing_ , Pete? Are you _trying_ to tell the entire Eastern Seaboard that you’re—you know--” Wade whispered urgently, whisking Peter toward the wall and away from the rest of the crowd.

 

“No no no no no no no no! Of course not!” Peter said, not bothering to lower his voice at all. He giggled suddenly and leaned his head against the wall. “’M just havin’ fun. Just a little fun. ‘S cool, Wadey.”

 

“Wadey?!”

 

“Yeah, you call me Spidey. I’m callin’ you Wadey. Could call ya Deady but that’s – ha – no that’s dumb. Not doin’ that.” Peter’s eyes grew suddenly wide with excitement. “NO! Got it. I’mma call you… POOLEY. Yes perf.”

 

“Oh boy.” Wade muttered to himself. He resisted the urge to facepalm. And also desperately hoped he remembered Peter saying “perf” tomorrow morning so he could make fun of him for it. What a cute little dork. “Okay, well at least you’re not showing off your powers anymore. Let’s go home before—”

 

“Wha--? No! Not going home! The party just started! Let’s daaaaance!” Peter was out of Wade’s reach before Wade could say “chimichangas” – he zoomed back to the dance floor with superhuman speed, trying (and failing) to drag Wade along with him.

 

“Motherfucker.” Wade groaned as he realized how Peter had moved so fast. The little bugger had shot a web at the ceiling and swung away from Wade on his little spider silk thread. Wade sprinted after his boyfriend, vowing to have a very long and boring talk with Peter tomorrow about using his powers in the appropriate setting.

 

{Jeez, when did Wade Wilson become such a stick in the mud?!}

 

[When his boyfriend’s life was possibly on the line, that’s when.]

 

Wade grabbed Peter on the dance floor and double tapped the web shooter as quickly as possible, hoping not too many people had seen what really happened. Peter whined in protest, but then was apparently distracted by dancing and became very fixated on making Wade dance.

 

“C’mon Wade, let’s have fun!”

 

“Okay, Pete, some other time you and I are _absolutely_ going dancing but right now I need you to—”

 

“WADE. Wade this is important. Wade listen. Listen to me. Are you listening?”

 

Wade fought back a laugh. Peter grabbed his face and squished his cheeks together, pulling Wade’s face down to meet his own so they were looking at each other eye to eye. “I’m lishening.” Wade mumbled through his smooshed cheeks.

 

“Cool. Good. ‘Cause I gotta tell you something important.”

 

Wade waited silently for Peter to say whatever was so important. A few awkward seconds trickled by.

 

“…What, Pete?”

 

“ _I need to pee_.”

 

With that, Peter leaped onto the nearest wall and started crawling along it like a damn bug. Wade barely took the time to register that people nearby were definitely pointing at the weird sight of a twink crawling along the side of the building toward the bathroom – instead he focused on shoving people out of the way to get to Peter before any of them got the chance.

 

“PETE.” Wade yelled as he reached his boyfriend. “Dude, get the fuck down! We’ll go pee later!”

 

“Nope, peeing now!” Peter called back, scuttling away.

 

“Oh my god. What is my life.” Wade grumbled. “Where’s one of those Men In Black laser stick thingies that wipes out people’s memories when you need one?”

 

Wade followed Peter to the bathroom (he briefly considered just dragging Peter off the wall and out of the club, but then decided that Peter’s super strength would absolutely make that endeavor way more trouble than it was worth). When Peter finally reached the bathroom door and darted inside, Wade stationed himself outside and waited to grab Peter as soon as he stepped out. In the meantime, Wade scanned the crowd and saw the one thing he had been dreading encountering tonight: a cell phone.

 

Some older guy wearing a stupid-looking Hawaiian shirt was holding his phone up and pointing it at the wall, clearly trying to record Peter crawling along it. Without a second thought, Wade charged through the crowd at the man and threw one of his knives at the offending piece of technology.

 

The knife smacked against the plastic cell phone case with a satisfying _crack_ and Hawaiian Shirt screamed in pain and surprise as he dropped the phone. At that exact moment, Wade reached the man and destroyed the phone by crushing it under the weight of one of his boots.

 

“What the—" Hawaiian Shirt started.

 

“Whoops.” Wade said coldly, looming over the man with all the menace he could muster. “Gotta be careful with those iPhones, dude – they can be pretty fragile!” At first, Hawaiian Shirt looked like he was going to protest, but then he apparently noticed the ridiculous amount of weapons “hiding” under Wade’s clothing and thought the better of it. He frowned, but turned and walked away without another word.

 

Without looking at the man again, Wade picked up his knife and twirled it expertly before sliding it back into a hidden holster. He sauntered back to the bathroom door to wait, keeping an eye out for more potential risks.

 

After a few minutes, Peter emerged from the bathroom swaying dangerously as he walked. Wade immediately grabbed his boyfriend by the shoulders and steered them both firmly out the door before Peter could protest. Instead of protesting, Peter babbled. Like, a lot.

 

“Wade, Wade, Waaaaade!” Peter half-slurred, half-sang as they walked up the stairs back toward the street. “Wade. I dunno why you’re here but I’m _so happy_ that you are. You know that, right? Right babe? Oops called ya babe – it’s okay though. ‘Cause I love ya. And you’re my babe. And I’m your babe. Your spider-babe. I’m so glad you’re here. Not just here, like, with your arm around me (I like that though). But also I’m glad you’re here _in my life_. Like in general. You make me laugh so hard and you always get mad at me when I buy the wrong enchilada sauce because you care about the little things in life and also you always listen to me and you know I have flaws and I just love you a lot. Thanks for – hic – oops talked too much. Do you hiccup when you talk too much? Everyone says you never shut up and you’re the ‘Merc With a Mouth’ but I have a – hic – theory that that’s really just because you give _phenomenal_ head—”

 

“Oh boy.” Wade muttered for what felt like the millionth time that night. “Okay, Petey. As much as I am loving this list of great things about little ol’ Wade, I’m gonna need you to be quiet for like… one minute so I can call a taxi.”

 

Peter giggled in reply and started singing quietly to himself instead. Wade grinned as he recognized that his dork of a boyfriend was totally singing “I’ll Make a Man Out of You” in the middle of the street and _damn_ how did Wade get so lucky?

 

Stepping a few feet away from Peter, Wade dialed the number for the taxi company and waited as the line rang. A few doors down, he noted that a few guys were hanging on a stoop and seemed to be giving Wade the once-over. Wade rolled his eyes and turned away, knowing he could easily kill them if they decided to make trouble. [No, we don’t kill them. Pete wouldn’t like that. We can maim or seriously injure _only_. Dobby-style.]

 

As Wade finished the call, he registered that three of the guys on the stoop were now walking toward them. One whistled, and Wade’s hackles went up. If they were here to sexually harass his Petey-Pie, then—

 

“Hey, big guy,” one of the men said, approaching Wade directly. “Where ya headed?”

 

“Uh, what?” Wade was taken aback. His _supermegafoxyawesomehot_ boyfriend was standing right there and these guys were trying to pick up _Wade_? There was definitely some kind of ulterior motive here. “Fuck off.”

 

“Jeez, dude, we just think you’re hot,” another one of the guys said, putting his hands up and backing away a little just as he approached Wade. “no need to be a little bitch about it.”

 

“You come out of Barracuda all alone at 4am with muscles like _that_ and you can expect someone is gonna flirt with you, buddy,” the last guy said as he walked around the other side of Wade. The three of them had him surrounded now.

 

“You guys have got to be kidding me,” Wade groaned angrily. “I’m just trying to get home, I’m not in the mood for funny business, believe it or not—”

 

“—We don’t.”

 

“—whatever.” Wade interrupted before the guy could start another sentence. “I’m busy, and I’m spoken for. So kindly fuck off.” Wade turned and elbowed the guy between him and Peter out of the way. At that, another man tried to shove Wade in retaliation, but found that his face was hitting the pavement before he even got the chance to make a move.

 

“What the--?”

 

Peter punched all three guys out cold and webbed them together in less than a minute. Wade stood there, mouth agape, in absolute awe of how quickly his boyfriend had switched from “adorable schmoopy drunk” to “badass capable defender” on Wade’s behalf.

 

“Uhh, Pete—”

 

Peter was glaring fiercely, but the anger in his face wasn’t directed at Wade. “I know, shouldn’t have used my powers, blah blah blah. But _I’m_ the only one who’s allowed to say how hot your muscles are.”

 

Something warm and kinda glow-y spread through Wade’s chest as Peter said that. “Aw. You’re the jealous type, baby boy.”

 

“Little bit.” Peter growled. “Let’s go home, I’m starting to sober up and I don’t like it.”

 

Wade laughed. “Yeah, good call. I’ve only been trying to get you on board with that plan for the past 45 minutes. Cab should be here any time now.”

 

Wade wrapped an arm around Peter’s shoulders while they waited, resting his cheek on the top of Peter’s head. “You’re a pain in the ass when you’re drunk, has anyone ever told you that?” Wade asked, a chuckle tickling the back of his throat as he said it.

 

“Yeah, yeah.”

 

“You’re also super cute, though.”

 

“Shut up.” Peter said. Wade laughed and began to say something else equally annoying, but stopped as Peter continued to talk. “Hang on, I got—”

 

“Pete, if you say you need to pee I’m gonna lose it.”

 

“I’m gonna hurl.”

 

Wade fought back disgust and laughter as Peter made a beeline for a nearby trash can. He patted Peter’s back and murmured comforting words of encouragement while Peter finished, and Wade took a moment to revel in how happy he felt to be able to be there to make Peter feel better and keep him safe.

 

A few minutes later, Peter looked down the empty street impatiently, clearly disappointed the cab hadn’t arrived yet. “You know…” he said slowly. “I could just… web us back h—”

 

“Don’t even think about it.”

**Author's Note:**

> I actually didn't want to finish this story because it was so fun to write - I've been putting off finishing it for like a month oops!! Hope you guys enjoyed reading as much as I enjoyed writing, leave a comment if you've got time!


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